Posted by: Chasy | 01/03/2010

The Wedding from Hell, live from Yagoona

Below is a series of SMS’ I received last night as a friend of mine was at a wedding she wasn’t particularly enjoying. It made me laugh, so I thought I’d share them with you:

“Am in a church. It buuuuuurns!”

“God religion is a load of bullshit. ‘wives must serve their husbands’ FULL STOP.”

“Also, the photographer had a mullet. A MULLET WIG to be exact. That’s right, not only did he have crime against nature hair, it was on PURPOSE.”

“If there is no god, why am I suddenly in hell? Which looks remarkably like Bankstown Sports Club?”

“Just ordered a ‘Turkish gourmet sandwich’. It consists of ham, cucumber, tomato and canned pickles on toasted supermarket Turkish bread.”

“THERE IS NO BABA GANOUJ AT THIS WEDDING. I REPEAT, NO BABA GANOUJ AT WEDDING.”

“And the bride’s bogan relatives are ‘Egyptian’ dancing to the Lebanese music. Retards. Thank christ there are gay men here.”

“The guy sitting opposite me has a southern cross tattoo on his neck.”

“I mean, we are Tracy Grimshaw and one inflammatory sms way from having a repeat of the Cronulla riots in a ballroom in Bankstown!”

“No, wait, make that Naomi Robson. o_0”

“Some of the Aussies… Well, they’re westie bogans. At the start of the reception there was a ‘gate’ made of cream silk and the idiots on my table started hissing that it was to seperate ‘us’ from ‘them’. It was actually a symbolic thing for Mel & Charlie to ‘untie’ the gate as a symbol of their union, like crossing the threshold or something.”

“Crime against foodies alert! One of the mains is chicken breast – marinated in sweet chilli sauce x(”

“Ah, the healing power of ‘Livin on a Prayer’ has bonded Leb and Skip on the dance floor.”

And, finally, via email this morning:

“I danced like a not-dead Patrick Swayze.”

UPDATE: Further commentary by email: “I have Livin on a Prayer stuck in my head. Wish to be dead naow.”

UPDATE PART II: This is an excerpt from Lou’s own blog, which delves deeper into the more serious race aspect of the amusing live text updates:

A word on the tattooed bogans. They are the sons of the woman who suggested I get botox, and therefore the cousins of the bride. Clearly the idea of their blonde haired, blue eyed cousin marrying some dark skinned Leb was unacceptable, because they spent the entire night drinking at the table and making snide comments about Charlie’s family. Their sense of upset was only heightened when two family friends read love poems to the couple in Arabic during the speeches. When we left the function centre that night they were both quite drunk, and the youngest was getting aggressive, throwing a milk crate into a shop window (it didn’t break) and then abusing an Indian man, simply because the Indian man got upset with him for slamming his security doors while he was trying to close his shop. This incited a tirade of ‘fucken cunt, go back to India curry man, this is Australia, this is OUR country not yours…” *facepalm*

At least I never have to see these people again now.

Indeed.

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